


Paranormal 720

by SapphoIsBurning



Series: Parks and Recreation, Season [sound of muffled screaming] [3]
Category: Parks and Recreation
Genre: AU: Pawnee is infested by demons, F/M, Gen, Ghosts, Humor, M/M, Paranormal Investigators, Supernatural Elements, ghost ship - Freeform, light blasphemy
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-03-02
Updated: 2015-02-21
Packaged: 2018-01-14 06:31:08
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,320
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1256311
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SapphoIsBurning/pseuds/SapphoIsBurning
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Tom and Jean-Ralphio go into business as paranormal investigators.  It goes about as well as expected.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. I got run over by a GHOST SHIP

When Tom tells everyone at the Parks Department about his idea to start a paranormal investigation company, no one thinks he's serious. At first. The guy is full of crazy ideas, like a perfume that also makes you hungry, or pants that double as stadium seat-warmers and subwoofers. Most of his ideas verge on physically impossible, or in the case of the ferret-breeding scheme, seriously unethical.

But then Jean-Ralphio starts hanging around the office too, pitching the idea of supernatural capitalism and showing off his "newly-discovered powers."

"I got run over by a GHOST SHIP," he croons. "And now I can speak with the dead."

"We're landlocked," Ron adds. "When you can tell me how you were haunted by a ghost ship on dry land, I'll think about digging up some of my gold."

Jean-Ralphio demonstrates his powers by contacting Jerry's grandmother. He begins to channel the voice of a ranting woman, insulting Jerry for being a failure and a disappointment, but then stops abruptly when the voice begins to comment on Tom. "Jerry, your grandmizzle is hella racist. I'm ENDING this collect call."

"You really do have the gift," Jerry sighs, teary-eyed.

Paranormal 720 launches the next month as "Pawnee's only full-service occult solutions business, specializing in contact with the dead, the undead, and the never-alive." Their business cards are printed on albino goatskin,

They rent a giant, spooky warehouse near the Sweetums plant for their corporate headquarters. The Sweetums plant is supposed to be haunted by the former president of the company, Nick Newport Sr. Tom and Jean-Ralphio's warehouse is haunted by the ghost of Newport's mistress, Shawna Reynolds, who died in a mysterious candy apple incident at the Harvest Festival twenty years prior. Tom claims it is well-positioned along major ley lines to attract the most spiritual traffic, but really it just means they get terrible cell service, and they can hear Shawna's weeping in the background of all their calls.

Leslie visits their headquarters and is given a tour by Tom. "Over there is our life-sized Ouija board." The letters are spelled out across a patch of floor the size of a basketball court; April's creepy friend Orin sits in a wheeled office chair, rolling slowly to the left, his cape fluttering gently. "Get rolled by a ghost! That's our slogan." Orin's chair stops moving over "NO".

"We've got EMF detectors, dowsing wands, digital audio and video recorders for capturing orbs and EVP--electronic voice phenomena--and over there is our dog, Scout. Here, boy!" A fat golden retreiver trots over to Tom. "Scout has been trained to bark at the presence of evil."

Leslie sees a priest lounging on a paisley settee, reading a Tom Clancy novel. "Tom, who's that?"

Jean-Ralphio butts in and puts one arm around each of them. "That's Father Kevin! There's a priest shortage nation-wide, but not at Paranormal 720. He is our resident exorcist--all he does is exorcize. He's got his own exorcize bike and everything. We're currently interviewing rabbis for our sattelite division," he adds conspiratorially. Father Kevin sighs and turns a page.

"I really should be going. Tom, I'm still not convinced you know what you're getting yourself into. The supernatural should not be taken lightly."

"We're not! We are the epitome of serious practitioners of necrotastic arts."

"I think you mean necromantic."

"Romantic? Ew, Leslie, that's gross.  You can't be that way about the dead." Tom brushes her off.

From a distant corner, Shawna begins to wail.

Jean-Ralphio turns to the ghost. "No, Shawna, he didn't mean it like that! We can still be together, baby!" The wailing gets louder. Leslie leaves.


	2. We Are Strong

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tom and Jean-Ralphio approach their first major case as paranormal investigators.

Tom and Jean-Ralphio are distraught. Their paranormal investigation company is not receiving any business, and they are having trouble paying the rent on their spooky warehouse. The ghost that haunted said warehouse had led them to a secret stash of cash left by the dead Sweetums founder, but it has dwindled.

"We need to film a reality show," Tom says. "Like Ghost Hunters, but with an urban edge. We hunt real ghosts, ghosts you can see, not those stupid orbs."

"But we can have orbs too, can't we?" Jean-Ralphio asks.

"Okay, we will hunt real ghosts  _and_  orbs. And vampires. And werewolves. But no zombies, zombies are wiggity wack. Also, they are so 2008."

"What's 2014's supernatural trend?"

"Merfolk."

"Oh."

They gather their equipment and put out an ad on craigslist. "Paranormal 720 available for immediate engagement as investigators and exorcists of the supremely nasty. No job is too small. We _will_ believe you!" Tom insists on that last line. "It worked for Spengler and Venkman!"

They post a picture of themselves with all their equipment and their priest. But he's only available sporadically anymore--the priest shortage has finally caught up with Pawnee and he has to go back to chaplaining the hospital during the week.

Requests trickle in very slowly. Most of them seem to be jokes. But one comes in that they can't resist:

> I need your help. I am a single mom living with my daughter in a house in West Pawnee and we think our house is haunted. We keep hearing noises during the night, and our furniture is moving by itself. We have a door in the basement that we've never opened. Also, I am worried that the house is bigger on the inside than it is on the outside. I think it is growing. Also growling, and breathing.
> 
> How much do you charge per hour? Can you come tomorrow?
> 
> Thanks, Candy

Jean-Ralphio gapes. "A single mom named Candy? She needs our help! We have to help her, Tom!"

Tom replies to her email quickly and arranges for them to come over the following day.

Tom is excited and nervous: what if they find a malevolent ghost? What if they can't make it leave? What if Candy falls in love with them and they have to negotiate a professional relationship with boundaries? What if he can't do that and they kiss madly and Jean-Ralphio feels left out?

What if he can't maintain professional boundaries with Jean-Ralphio? What if the terror of the paranormal drives him into Jean-Ralphio's waiting arms? What will Jean Ralphio's ghost girlfriend think of that? Can you have a polyamorous-polymaterial relationship? Can love blossom on the battlefield? Love is a battlefield...

Tom wonders why his internal monologue always segues into "Love Is a Battlefield" by Pat Benatar. "We are strong...."

They arrive at Candy's house. It's a dilapidated two-bedroom in a run down part of town. Raccoons glare at them from their leafy perches.

"Be gone, demon scum!" Jean-Ralphio shouts, flinging holy water at the trees from his asperger.

They knock on the door. Candy answers--she is dressed in an Indiana University sweatshirt, short shorts, and flip-flops, and her acrylic nails are painted in a glossy red. Her hair is braided neatly. "You must be Paranormal 720. Which of you is Tom?" Tom suavely raises his hand. "I'm so glad you're here. Please come in. Can I get you some Mountain Dew, or water?"

"No thanks, ma'am, I don't drink on the job. Can you please show us the door you've never opened?"

"Sure, please come this way. Keisha, come here." She calls to her daughter, who comes out of one of the bedrooms. "Tell these men about what you saw."

"There was a big ghost man. He was really tall and scary. I see him at night when I am alone. He says things to me."

Jean-Ralphio leans down. "What kind of things, shorty? What does he say to you?"

She whispers in his ear, "He told me he was going to kill Tom Haverford."

Jean-Ralphio jumps visibly. "Tom! We have verbal contact. They know we're coming. We need backup. Call Father Roger! Request backup!"

They approach the sealed door. A sudden knocking erupts from behind it.

"We're too late. It's already here."


End file.
